


because we love, because we lose

by Anonymous



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:14:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29266326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: sleeping, even with the thin blankets, was warm during nights on jabberwock island but not enough to sleep alone comfortably. but maybe it's okay to take up the half of the full-sized bed that had no use to hinata anyway, to let himself feel like somebody actually loves him.it's not.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60
Collections: Anonymous





	because we love, because we lose

**Author's Note:**

> a vent fic based on my last relationship but i finished it up today because it's my friend's birthday.
> 
> if said friend is seeing this, happy birthday SHORT PERSON 
> 
> i hope you have a nice buhownie :)
> 
> anyway, no dying and take care of yourselves to all of the readers and possibly not readers but idk why you'd be reading this note if you weren't....reading this fic

komaeda nagito often thought of dying. nothing seemed to kill him after all, and he had entertained the thought of testing his luck far too often to be entirely healthy. there was nothing entirely wrong with trying his luck in certain situations unless it came off as inappropriate. acquiring dangerous items had been too much of a cinch- he should have ran into trouble. should have died when he pressed a gun against his head, should have been broken beyond belief at the idea of dying or losing something he held dear to him. that would at least preserve his last semblance of normality- connect him to other people even if they could never understand the cycle.

but maybe he thought it too lucky. it was too good to never break- he, himself, had always teetered on the edge of breaking. he knew it would eventually end in the same way everything ended- hinata would die, get hurt, or the like and he’d be back to zero.

nothing was ever quite enough to mend the hole in his heart.

* * *

komaeda liked it when hinata was kind to him. when he whispered scattered praise into his ears and talked to him afterward. when he told him how he doesn’t give himself nearly enough credit and held him gently in his arms while he fucked him. when he took his time opening him up and when he made him beg for more, to feel it deeper, or harder, or faster.

but he was fine with anything honestly. he let hinata have his way with him, let him use his body for whatever he wanted, but hinata always insisted that he wanted what komaeda wanted, that it was a two-way affair. and truly, he didn’t get why, but didn’t protest too much. if it was what hinata wanted, that was okay.

but he thought it was nice when hinata took care of him. gave him a moment of bliss before the ensuing despair. and it seemed like it’d be one of those nights again, where he’d be way too nice again. treat him gently, whisper sweet nothings and hold him in his arms after he had used him.

a finger prodding at his hole ripped him away from his thoughts and back into reality, and he whimpered, fingers clinging to the average cotton of his t-shirt. he would hold his jacket if it hadn’t ended up in a corner during the earlier foreplay.

“are you...feeling up to it? tonight?” hinata asked, anxiously pulling the collar of komaeda’s shirt down with his other hand that wasn’t about to breach such an intimate area. and for a second, komaeda almost thinks he sees something close to concern or affection dance in hinata’s eyes- and at the same time, convinces himself it’s his imagination wishing for too much yet again. and he breathes out a sigh before a mumbled answer.

“of course.” he had learned, long ago, that mentioning that he was okay with anything was something hinata didn’t like and didn’t wanna hear- so he stayed quiet about that part, letting hinata shape him like clay and fit into a mold. hinata smiled on top of him, silent permission to continue.

the lubed index finger slipped in easily. he wanted it deeper, even though his body was desperately trying to force hinata out like something was wrong- but no. it was peace, and he liked feeling at peace despite his stressful living situation and lifetime situation- it was a pleasant delicacy. maybe it was like solace.

“damn, you’re pretty tight...are you sure it’s okay today?” hinata asked, still feeling around komaeda’s walls, pressing gently to make his insides loose up despite his words.

“it’s fine. it feels good.” komaeda replied amicably, pushing his hips back against the hand to show exactly how good it felt. hinata leaned down calmly, letting komaeda take a desperate, clawing grip on his green tie and pull him down to his lips. it was nothing close to chaste. it was more teeth than lips and skin, more force and pushing than delicateness. within moments, hinata had opened komaeda’s mouth and their tongues danced together with the calm elegance of a blissful dance- and it was precisely then that komaeda knew something horrible was going to happen. he of course knew that would happen, but it was much more imminent now.

they broke apart, a thin line of saliva connecting their mouths, panting ensuing from both sides. hinata smirked as komaeda’s face became a pretty shade of red and let him catch his breath before reconnecting their lips again. by now, komaeda knew fully well that hinata liked biting, but he still stifled a gasp when hinata bit his lower lip a little too hard.

hinata broke the kiss for a second. “sorry.” he said sincerely, pressing their lips back together. and he pulled out his finger, making komaeda whine at the sudden emptiness he felt. the disappointment was only brief. before long, two fingers circled his rim before being roughly forced in. komaeda divorced from hinata’s greedy lips to let out a choked moan and pant. hinata let out a short laugh, pressing against komaeda’s warm walls in an attempt to find the spot that drove him crazy.

like scouring a crime scene, he pressed down his wet fingers, curling them in search of komaeda’s sweet spot. when he found it, komaeda let out a cut-off squeal.

“the noises you make are so pretty...don’t cover them up.” hinata demanded, but it came off more like an awkward question. but as always, komaeda didn’t care much for the delivery- he just complied, complied.

hinata moved his fingers, forcing them in as deep as his second knuckle. komaeda let out a longer moan, desperately embarrassed but complying, complying. 

“that one was so beautiful too, ko...every part of you is so pretty. your skin is so pale, it makes me want to mark it up, show everyone you’re mine. would you want that? would you want everyone seeing,” hinata stopped talking, using his other hand to brush the fair, unblemished skin of komaeda’s neck, “proof that you’re mine?” hinata ran a warm finger down to the taller boy’s collarbones. “fuck, i could just kiss you all day…” hinata mumbled, forcing his fingers all the way into komaeda, who yelped slightly at the sudden fullness.

voice broken, komaeda simply nodded- nodded to agree with everything hinata had said. he caught his fingers onto the bed sheets, holding, squeezing, until his knuckles turned white. he was still so cold in his extremities, but his face was so warm.

“good boy, you’re loosening up so much for me. is it okay if I add another one?” hinata asked, lifting his other hand from komaeda’s neck before placing it on komaeda’s chest. komaeda nodded kindly, smiling genuinely. 

true to his word, hinata soon entered another finger, quickly finding that same spot that drove the other crazy and pressing it, making komaeda moan unabashedly and arch his back off of the bed, and move away to stop the sudden feeling of overstimulation, but no part of komaeda’s body would be able to escape hinata’s hands here.

hinata spread his fingers, moving them away from the abused gland and instead choosing to scissor open his partner even further- “can’t have you finishing too soon.” his pathetic stamina was almost embarrassing, but hinata never complained, just smiled and said everyone was different and that he wouldn’t have him any other way.

he knew he was doomed from the second hinata pulled his finger out. the distinct sound of a zipper unzipping and shifting fabric told him what his eyes (that were closed) didn’t.

“are you sure it’s okay, komaeda?” hinata asked, his face burning. komaeda could feel the tip prod at his well-stretched entrance and everything that might have been telling him to say no faded away into background music.

“i need you…” komaeda whispered, wiggling his hips slightly to feel hinata’s tip move against his entrance, but not pushing back and letting it enter just yet. he sat up a bit, leaning his weight against the pillows

“fuck, ko...you’re in for it tonight.”

hinata pushed komaeda’s shoulders down, moving the pillow to lay beneath komaeda’s head, taking the opportunity to brush his fingers against a cloud-like strand of hair.

as soon as komaeda was down and comfortable, komaeda could already feel the tip rubbing against his hole teasingly.

“hinata….hinata-kun, please…” komaeda called, twitching with the slightest bit of contact- he really needed it. maybe he was as much of a twink whore as his eighth grade classmates had said.

“alright, alright.” hinata mumbled with false annoyance. or at least he hoped it was false- he wasn’t the best at knowing sometimes. “i’m going in.”

he lined up his tip with komaeda’s stretched hole before smiling and pushing his hips forward. pleasureful sounds immediately erupted from both of them. hinata always felt much bigger than he looked, and he already looked bigger than komaeda could ever deserve. long enough to reach down his throat, to hit his prostate head-on. it always felt just a bit too good for komaeda’s comfort.

hinata pushed deeper, simulating the feeling of pushing aside whatever other pesky organs were in his path to make way for himself. it was so hinata, only hinata made him feel so good, only hinata was kind and paid him more than a passing glance. only hinata tried to understand him more than anyone else, kissed him, gave him something- and it was because of those endlessly positive thoughts that he knew something would happen to hinata. and he honestly should have tried harder to push him away- but it just felt so good in the moment.

komaeda broke away from his thoughts to whimper at the nudge of hinata’s dick against his prostate, feeling the intense pleasure burn like a fire in his veins. the urge to reconnect their lips blazed, but he stayed down beneath hinata’s unrelenting hands, which had found their way to his chest. komaeda let a small moan break through the stagnant silence as hinata squeezed a hard bud between his thumb and index finger.

“does it feel good?” hinata asked. he was always too cautious even if he was being rough. even when he was mad at komaeda for being an annoyance during the class trial, he still asked if he was okay, making sure that komaeda consented before letting his feelings take over his actions.

even now, long after the program and having done this sort of thing numerous times, it was still something that he asked every time.

“yes...it feels really good…” komaeda admitted, already somewhat drooling from the pleasurable feeling. and cockily, his expression became smug. “can’t you tell?”

“it’s easier to hear it directly. you’re easier to read when you speak.” hinata admitted. and from there, he decided not to talk when he wanted to keep up a lie.

it was awkward thrusts at the beginning as all similar encounters had been. it took more than awhile to get into it, and even longer to make komaeda feel like he’s not being a burden (which he wasn’t), but there was a strange charm to the beginnings and ends of the nights spent together.

but it wasn’t fulfilling enough. and that alone raised the chilling goosebumps on his arms. aha, how much would he lose this time around?

the thought made him moan out and resist the urge to wrap his arms around hinata’s shoulders, instead clutching with an iron grip on the wrinkled sheets and grind his teeth to prevent any more sounds from leaking out.

but hinata, who was painfully easy to read, was just as good at reading him like a book. or maybe it was the effect of his red left eye, of the other person that lingered. hell, he was probably an uncaring voyeur to all of their sexual ordeals following their release from the program.

on that note, it wasn’t as if he hadn’t engaged in similar circumstances with the other person that shared his partner’s body, but that wasn’t of much note since hinata and kamukura didn’t share memories. for now, he just focused on the current happenings.

hinata took a moment to pause as he was nearly fully out of komaeda, making him whine at the emptiness. hinata mumbled an apology (more likely out of trying to sound kind than genuine) before doing something his partner didn’t expect; he took komaeda’s wrists into his hands and wrapped them gently behind his back, pressing a firm kiss to his lips as he did so. 

“don’t hide your noises, either.” he didn’t provide a reason, simply asked, and komaeda was putty in his hands as he slammed back inside. both out of shock and listening to what hinata had said, he let out a small squeal at the sudden fullness and tightened his grip around hinata’s shoulders, pressing his face in the spot where his neck met his shoulder. hinata laughed without humor.

“you’re so beautiful, love.” and he pressed a kiss against the skin of komaeda’s neck, running his top teeth along his taut, fair skin. komaeda cherished the nickname like clean water, savoring it in his head to remember at late nights. and he pressed his face back in the spot that Hinata-kun had deprived him of, exhaling and moaning into his dear friend’s skin like it was all that tethered him to this world, like he would float away like a helium balloon if he wasn’t careful.

“aha…” komaeda let tumble through his lips a small laugh without humor. as much as he should cling to and believe the words that someone he loved so much offered, he could never find himself fully trusting the words whenever hinata expresses loving him. and he wants to believe it desperately, but what about him is there to love?

komaeda is at least aware that it’s not okay, that he knows that it’s all fake, but he’s good at pretending. he can give himself enough credit to recognize the fact that he can almost make himself believe hinata felt something relatively close to love for him. but at its core, he knows.

hinata is beautiful and superb in every way and komaeda knows it, knows it better than anyone else even though he’s universally loved (even saionji had taken a liking to him), and he’s nothing more than a measly worshipper brought to his knees. as much as he wants to grab on and let himself be weak, stability had always been an elusive concept to him and hinata phased through his fingers. and hinata was never his and never would be.

even now, red-cheeked and above him whispering words of affection into his shoulders, it’s never him and komaeda just wishes he wasn’t second for once. that he was worthy of being someone’s first choice.

hinata makes a faint disgruntled noise into his skin and the humidity of the sound makes him feel ticklish.

the brunette takes a moment to breathe, speeding up the natural process of inhaling and exhaling and he bites down on the fair skin where his head rested moments before, making his partner let out a soft noise like a groan coalescing with a whimper. 

“i love you so much…” 

a sudden feeling of giddiness arises from somewhere. the jovial feeling shifting suddenly onto him isn’t proper but god, he loves hinata too and he whispers it back despite his confliction. komaeda locks his arms firmly around where his arms are wrapped around his closest friend. he doesn’t know why he’s crying, but he is and his face tastes like salt, but it’s not the bittersweet type that express pent-up emotions. it’s closer to pure joy from the elation of truly loving something so deeply.

the world is a blur from then. komaeda doesn’t remember finishing or hinata apologizing. he hears it, but it’s ambient white noise and his brain is elsewhere. he drifts off for only a moment, mumbling an apology in return for being so weak, but he doesn’t miss the way those strong arms wrap around his comparably lithe figure. just for a moment, something is okay.

* * *

they lay down together, spent, legs entangling in the humid sheets and he feels so pleasantly dirty, just as always; it’s a moment of peace where he doesn’t have to feel conflicting emotions that beat him down into the ground about whether or not hinata’s interest in him was entirely fake or just infatuation. a moment to gaze into a hazel eye on his left and red on the opposite side and know that, requited or not, that he loved both of the people within. it’s enough to fall asleep beside the person he loves most in the entire world. at least it was a break from constantly dwelling on whether or not anything he said during heated moments was true at all.

komaeda is more aware than anyone that nothing goes well for him and god, what he wouldn’t do to feel at peace like he does after nights spent together, but at least he had this. tomorrow, tomorrow would probably be a shitty day as per usual but at least he had this.

until he didn’t.

“i think i have a crush on nanami.”

hinata initiated pillow talk infrequently because he knew komaeda found small chat useless, anything that didn’t fall on an extreme of absolute good or absolute bad worthless, but the words shocked komaeda, goosebumps arising on his skin and his chest suddenly burning. komaeda knew his eyes were watering, but he stared at the ceiling long enough to dry up the tears.

and once his throat is less dry, komaeda finds it in himself to speak. “what?”

he knows what hinata said, but he didn’t expect the bad luck to come crashing down on him so soon, so he asks again just to hear it.

“i, um. sorry, this is probably shitty timing, huh? i know the real one is dead, but you know how i’ve been repairing her ai and all, right?” komaeda nods in understanding, trying to keep his face solemn. “she’s an ai, but she’s capable of human feelings and crap, and...i guess i, uh, fell for her.” 

the air sparks with tension, stagnating with the silence that ensued. 

“i know, i know, i suck. but i felt like i had to tell you since we’re, uh…” hinata waves his hand in the air from where he lays on his side on the bed. komaeda knows that he can’t find a defining word for their relationship slash not-relationship that would warrant finding it necessary to let komaeda know about his affection for nanami.

against all odds, komaeda smiles. “it’s okay, i understand!” he exclaimed cheerfully, reaching his hand out to brush his fingertips against hinata’s broad chest. he doesn’t miss the way hinata jumps at the touch. and komaeda is supposed to be easy to read according to hinata and kamukura’s endless abundance of analytical talents, but he seems oblivious as he smiles peacefully or he wants to deny the truth- maybe just as much as komaeda wants to deny everything hinata said in the past couple minutes.

“i’m glad. i still love you and i don’t want to stop doing what we do, but i just think you deserve to know.”

it’s okay, komaeda thinks, and he finds himself believing it too. but if only it was a permanent belief.

the despair takes a moment to soak in and he knows,  _ he fucking knows,  _ he’s second and he’s already lost the person he loves most in the entire world.

“it’s a little hot tonight, hinata-kun. i think i’ll go back to my cottage for the night.” 

thousands of dollars spent on life-changing surgery were meaningless to someone who could easily see the truth but was desperate enough to want to deny it.

“...goodnight, komaeda. sleep well.” hinata sighs almost inaudibly following the words.

his long green jacket was in the corner of the room and he scrunches his nose at the clothes on the floor. hinata always cleans up, but it bothers him a little. it’s not his place to talk, however.

his t-shirt was beside the wardrobe along with his undergarments- lucky gray gingham that had grown worn from their time of use, but they weren’t in a place to need more clothes now.

the skull chain on his pants dangled loudly as komaeda picked up his final item of clothing, his black skinny jeans that hugged his body tightly and it felt safe. it was the closest thing he had to being touched by another human before hinata took him.

his heart pangs with despair momentarily. and komaeda hates himself just a little bit more for resenting someone as perfect as nanami just because of hinata’s crush.

komaeda slams the door shut behind him as he leaves. at night, the only sounds are his own footsteps echoing off of a surface that he wasn’t entirely sure of. his own door is unlocked; there’s nothing he wants to protect or any danger anymore.

his heart is sobbing, but he doesn’t shed even a single tear. he just slumps against the door. and he’s used goods, he’s always felt cheap and used, but at least then hinata didn’t have anyone else to project his misplaced feelings on. hinata and nanami had always been meant to be together, weren’t they? in any scenario, komaeda was nothing more than a road block.

he’s wrong for existing. they could have ended up together, should have ended up together,  _ would _ have ended up together if it weren’t for him.

it was never him. it was always nanami, and komaeda always knew that. his head bobs pathetically above the surface of despair and he’s dangerously close to drowning.

but he doesn’t cry.

he just waits.

and waits.

**Author's Note:**

> why are vents so sexy, god
> 
> my emotions are more dead than my body HA HA


End file.
